


When I Die

by GeekLover



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e12-13 The Sword in the Stone, First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 20:01:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16374119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/pseuds/GeekLover
Summary: After witnessing Isolde's tragic death, Arthur comes to a startling realization about what he wants for his future - a future he wants to begin as soon as possible.





	When I Die

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the mods for running this fest for another great year, and for once again, putting up with stragglers like me.

Arthur looked down at the courtyard in front of the castle which was still in disarray after Morgana and her men’s assault on Camelot. Whatever damage there was to the structure, it was nothing compared to the loss of life. 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Arthur let out a long sigh. As the prince, and especially now as king, death was something that was a constant for him. It was something that was in the back of his mind during every trip outside of Camelot’s walls, during every battle, even during negotiations with other kingdoms.

In his relatively short life, Arthur had killed many men. While most of them had deserved it, taking a life was never a simple thing. Sometimes the faces of those men - contorted in agony and fear - had haunted him. Those thoughts were nothing compared to the agony of losing his own men.

Arthur had been there as many brave and righteous men who had fought beside him died, sometimes in the service of shielding him with their own bodies. He’d held a few of those men in his arms and watched the life slowly drain from their eyes. It always felt like such a waste. It was the worst part of his job as king.

So, yes, Arthur was very familiar with death. Yet for some reason watching Isolde die in Tristan’s arms hit him harder than he could have ever imagined. He didn’t even know them very well and for most of the time he knew Tristan, the man did everything in his power to make Arthur feel like a useless coward. But, in the end, they had managed to put those differences aside, and even though Camelot’s fight was not their own, Tristan and Isolde had risked their lives to help Arthur take back Camelot. Isolde died protecting him. For those reasons alone, it made sense that Isolde’s death weighed heavily on him. But it was more than that.

Arthur had stared up at the ceiling for hours unable to sleep, unable to get the sound of Isolde’s last dying breaths out of his head. He couldn’t stop seeing the look on Tristan’s face as he departed Camelot. Arthur had been prepared for Tristan to rail at him, curse him, challenge him to a duel, something but the Tristan who had antagonized him every step of the way back to Camelot was gone. This Tristan had no fight left in him. It looked like it took every effort just for him to keep walking, to keep breathing. Would Tristan ever be the same again? Arthur thought he’d never seen a more broken, lifeless human being.

When he thought about it, he realized that wasn’t true. He recognized Tristan’s cold dead eyes because they matched the look in Uther’s eyes every day that Arthur had known him. Even though Arthur had never known the man his father was before his mother died, he had heard enough to know that the man who raised him had been forever changed by his mother’s death. When his mother died, he had really lost two parents.

It made Arthur think about what it would be like to truly lose the one person in the world that made them complete. What would a loss like that feel like? Would he ever be able to make it back? Would he become bitter and filled with a need for vengeance like his father? 

He was determined not to let anger blind him to what was right in front of him. He’d already wasted so much time. Tristan losing Isolde made him confront things that he had buried deep inside and there was no time to waste being scared in confronting his feelings. It was time he would never get back.

There was a knock on the door. He knew who it was. He took a deep breath as he turned around. “Enter.” 

“You wanted to see me, Arthur?”

He smiled at his visitor. “Yes, Gwen. There’s something important I need to say to you.”

 

~*~

When Merlin came into Arthur’s chambers a few minutes later, Arthur had been seated at his desk going over the conversation he’d had with Gwen. Trying to get his emotions under control, Arthur looked down at his desk and shuffled some papers around. For Merlin’s part, he bustled about the room putting laundry away and picking up an errant sock or two on the floor. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Arthur could see Merlin sneaking his own glances at him. Arthur could tell Merlin wanted to say something but was holding back for some reason, which wasn’t like him. Finally, Merlin stepped closer to Arthur’s desk and cleared his throat. “I saw Gwen leaving here earlier. She seemed...confused - a bit sad. I was a bit surprised. I saw how you were looking at her after the battle was over yesterday. I had hoped you were on your way to forgiving her, Arthur. You know she didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Arthur glanced up at him. “Is that all, Merlin?”

Merlin rubbed the back of his neck. “I know it’s probably none of my business -”

“When has that ever stopped you from voicing your opinion?”

After chuckling briefly, Merlin stared down at the floor. “I just want to see the two of you happy again.”

Arthur stood up. “I know that. I do appreciate your concern. What Gwen did is not something that’s easy to get over. She betrayed me in one of the worst possible ways and given what a stubborn prat I can be - “

Merlin snorted at that and then waved his hand a shook his head. “I’m sorry. I never thought I’d live to see the day that you actually admitted to your frequent prattliness.”

“I never used the word frequent.”

Merlin just shrugged.

Fighting the grin that wanted to emerge on his face, Arthur continued on. “As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I can be very stubborn and forgiveness doesn’t always come so easily to me, but I have forgiven Gwen.”

Merlin’s genuine smile was the best thing Arthur had seen all day.

“I haven’t forgotten what she did but I don’t want to hold it against her anymore. Gwen is too important to me. She is too important to this kingdom.”

Nodding, Merlin’s smile grew before his brow furrowed. “That’s great, Arthur. I just don’t understand why Gwen looked so confused when she left here if you’ve taken her back. You will be getting married now, won’t you?”

Arthur let out a slow breath. “No. I can’t marry Gwen.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. For once, he seemed speechless so Arthur decided to continue on with what he had to say. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Arthur turned around and tried to gather himself. He knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t get his thoughts in order when all he could hear was the pounding of his heart inside his head.

The last few days had seen Arthur have to face down some of the scariest situations of not only his short time as king but of his life. Seeing Morgana, Agravaine, and their men descend on Camelot - two people who he had loved dearly and turned on him in the most grotesque way - causing all manners of devastation was not easy. Waking up a day later having no idea where he was - and why he was wearing the most ludicrous outfit he’d ever had the misfortune to have on his body - was hard. Facing the certain prospect of failing in front of his kingdom when he tried to pull that sword from the stone was terrifying.

And yet, having to stand in front of Merlin and bear his heart and soul was the scariest of them all. He tried to prepare like he would for any important event. He inhaled long and deep and then let it out. He turned back to a confused Merlin. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened with Tristan and Isolde yesterday. I’ve been thinking about Tristan and wondering if he’ll make it. I want to believe that he will, but I don’t have high hopes. He lost something he can never get back.” Arthur wiped a hand down his face. “I know what it’s like to feel a loss, Merlin. I live with the pain of losing my parents every day, but this was something different. I’ve never lost someone like that. I’ve only come close to it a few times. In those times, the pain was almost unbearable. It felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside piece by piece and the only way I’d feel right again was to have that person back in my life.”

Merlin bit his lip. “You must be talking about the pain of losing Gwen after you banished her. If it brought you so much pain-”

Arthur held up his hand. “That’s not what I’m talking about. Losing Gwen has been a struggle. I’ve been so angry and I did miss Gwen and I missed what we had. I thought we would be spending the rest of our lives together and to have that taken away so suddenly gutted me. But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same ache I was talking about before. The only time I remember feeling someone’s loss so much was a few months ago when you were wounded and I lost you in the woods.”

Merlin’s mouth fell open and he gasped softly. “What?”

“I didn’t know what to do, Merlin. I didn’t know how to function without you. I missed you so desperately and the only thing I could think of was getting you back, no matter what I had to do. When I saw you again, it didn’t matter that you looked ridiculous or you were the most foul smelling thing I’d ever had the misfortune of smelling, I felt like I could breathe again, Merlin.”

A sweet blush crept up on Merlin’s cheeks and he rubbed the back of his neck. “It means the world to me, to hear you say that Arthur. I know we tease each other all the time, but I’ve always known that you care about me, but it is nice to hear you say it out loud.”

Arthur rubbed his forehead. He didn’t think Merlin was truly grasping what he was trying to say. “It’s more than that, Merlin.” He sighed. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent far too much time in my life thinking about the moment I die. I’ve always imagined I would die in battle. I would be surrounded by my knights, my friends, but at that moment I would be truly alone. After what happened yesterday, I realized that I would hate that. As hard as it was, as scared as Isolde was, I believe it must have brought her some comfort to be held by someone she loved and to be looking into his eyes as she left this world. That’s what I want. When I die, I want the person I love most in the world to hold me. I want to look into their eyes and know that I was loved and that, even though I’d be leaving this world I would know that I had something precious and that my life meant something. I couldn’t stop thinking about that last night and I realized the person I want to spend my last moments with is you.”

Unshed tears filled Merlin’s beautiful crystal blue eyes and he stared up at Arthur. He seemed confused and shocked and overwhelmed. “Me?”

Arthur almost smacked his forehead and couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “I almost forgot that you can be a bit thick sometimes.” The words were somewhat harsh, but Arthur’s tone was anything but and he hoped Merlin could see by the fond smile on his face that he was just teasing.

The small, shy smile on Merlin’s face let Arthur know Merlin didn’t take offense at his words. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Alright, now I feel a little bit better. You were being so sweet I almost didn’t recognize you now I see the clotpole I know and-” He bit his lip and cut himself off.

Arthur smiled. “I’ll make this as clear as I possibly can. You are the person I love the most in this world. You, Merlin.” Arthur stepped closer to him and they were a hair’s breadth apart. “I don’t want to waste more time pretending that I don’t.”

“But Gwen-”

Arthur interrupted him. “I told Gwen I couldn’t marry her and she understood. I loved her Merlin but the way I feel about her doesn’t compare to my feelings for you. I kept them buried so long and so deep, I don’t think I even realized how much I loved you until last night but it’s always been there, Merlin. I would die for you, Merlin and I think you know that because you would do the same for me.”

Wiping away at his tears, Merlin turned away from Arthur. “Of course, I would. But...there’s so much else to consider. The kingdom could barely tolerate your relationship with Gwen, I think they’ll consider ours even more troublesome. And what about -”

Arthur cut him off. He walked over and stood in front of Merlin. Gently, he gripped Merlin’s shoulders. “There’s only one thing that matters to me...Do you love me? The rest will take care of itself but if you don’t love me then there’s no point in even discussing the rest. So...do you…?” He swallowed thickly. “Do you love me?”

Merlin gazed down at the ground and then looked up at Arthur with a watery smile. “Yes, I love you.”

Arthur’s breath hitched and he nodded and tried to process what he had just heard.

“It’s been my destiny to serve at your side, Arthur. As annoying as you were, and still can be, it didn’t take me long to see the wonderful underneath the smug and spoiled exterior. It’s been the great joy of my life to witness the great king and great man that you’ve become. I don’t know if I was supposed to fall in love with you, but fall in love I did. Even though I knew we could never be together, I knew just as much that you would forever be the great love of my life.” He wiped his nose and let out a joyous laugh. “I never imagined that you could feel the same that we would be standing here like this.”

Arthur cupped Merlin’s face and wiped at his tears. “But here we are and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

Merlin stared up at him with a look of such adoration Arthur’s knees almost buckled. “Yours is the face that I want to wake up to every day of my life until the day I die.”

Arthur licked his lips and hesitated briefly before he closed the distance between them and kissed Merlin with all the love in his heart. They pressed their bodies close together and Merlin sighed into Arthur’s mouth as he quickly deepened the kiss and ran his hands through Merlin’s hair. They swallowed each other’s moans and tried to cram all of the years they’d wasted into the kiss. 

The only reason they parted was to take a breath, but Arthur couldn’t bear to be too far away and their lips were almost still attached. Merlin ran his thumb across Arthur’s bottom lip. He seemed in a daze and his lips looked swollen and wet and Arthur knew he had never seen him look more beautiful.

Arthur knew his next idea would be looked at as rash, but he didn’t care. He slowly kneeled to one knee. Merlin’s brows knitted together and he stared at Arthur in confusion.

“I want - Merlin, I _need_ you to be by my side always not just as my friend or lover, but as my partner in every way that matters.” He took a hole of Merlin’s hand. “Merlin, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”

Merlin gasped. His mouth opened and closed several times, but only a slight squeak came out. 

“I want you by my side Merlin and we can make Camelot as wonderful as you’ve always dreamed...together.”

Merlin swallowed and shook his head. “Arthur, this is absolutely insane and I...I can’t think of any good reason to say no. If you think we can make this work, I believe in you...I believe in us. Yes, yes I want to be your husband.”

Arthur let out a whoop of joy and then planted a fierce kiss on Merlin’s lips. He wrapped his arms around Merlin and hugged him so tightly, he thought Merlin might melt into him, which wouldn’t have been the worst thing at all. 

 

~*~

 

As Merlin walked toward him in his lovely red jacket and purple shirt to be crowned Prince Consort of Camelot, Arthur felt more alive then he’d ever felt in his entire life but his thoughts still turned to the end of his days. It might seem a little morbid to be thinking of such a thing on such a happy, momentous occasion but the thing was he didn’t look at the end of his life with as much dread as he always had.

Arthur had more hope for his future than he ever had previously. As Merlin kneeled before him and Arthur placed the gold circlet on Merlin’s head, Arthur knew it was all because of him. 

Merlin stood up and they shared a tender kiss. It was something he would remember always. On his deathbed, he knew this would be one of many moments that he would look back on and realize that he had truly lived the best life that he could have.

There would always be tough times, but knowing that he’d get to spend every day with Merlin already made him cherish what was to come. He knew that when he died looking into the eyes of the man he loved more than words could ever say, it would have been a life he could be proud of.


End file.
